If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
