If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I smell stomach acid.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
