pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
