Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
