that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
