dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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