When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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