Slut skills are useful in every country.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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