god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
