Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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