"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
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