He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
