So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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