your parents love me but you hate me
Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
