What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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