"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I had to cum in my sink.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
