Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
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