The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
