That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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