my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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