I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
