He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
