Im at strip club and am horny
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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