I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize