people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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