Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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