I just saw a hot homeless man
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
