I'm gonna have a badass scar
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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