let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
