You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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