i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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