I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
