i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
