Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
