I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize