Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
