I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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