theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
