Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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