Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
