I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
someone get that fucking seahorse.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
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