I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
