I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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