I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
