The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
