I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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