Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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