My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
