there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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