Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
