i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
