the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
