i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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