I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
