I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
