We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
